[on being back and on not knowing]
It's been one week since I've been back in the States, and I have to say: its weird. Not just because I seem to have forgotten how to drive and still I can't get used to people around me being in a hurry - but also because I just don't know what comes next. For the first time in my life, I don't know what I'm doing. Broadly speaking, I think I want to work for an NGO, but some days I even question that. Maybe I want to go back into journalism. Maybe I just want to work at a flower shop. Maybe I actually don't want to live in the US anymore. These doubts whirl around in my head all day long, coupled with memories of the past four months that I am still trying to process.
Much of the reason that I haven't posted much about the past month spent traveling is that it changed me in ways that I haven't even figured out yet. It radically altered the way that I see the world and myself and God and people. I found answers to questions deep in my own heart that I had been searching for for so long, answers to some questions that I didn't even know I had.
I heard the voice of God in a way that I have never encountered before. I realized that in order for my voice to be heard, I have to speak up. I found that overall, people are good. I broke free of the burden of guilt in my life. And I began to really, truly believe that having an endlessly changing horizon is one of the truest and purest desires of my heart. Since being back in the States, a lot of people have asked me if I am done traveling; if I am going to stay home for awhile now. And the truth is, more and more I am beginning to feel most at home when I have a backpack on my shoulders. When I'm not sure where my next meal will be, or where I can't figure out where the hell on the map on I am or what direction I am going in. The unfamiliar has begun to feel familiar to me, and I love it.
Right now I feel called to be here. To be in the States, to work, to find my endlessly changing horizon in the simplicities of everyday life. No, I don't know what comes next. There are so many things that feel so uncertain right now. But despite all this, despite that fact that I have no idea what I will be doing or where I will be doing it in two months time, I have never felt such tangible peace in my heart. And for that I am thankful.
Some beautiful things...